Today would have been my Mother’s 56th birthday. In honor of that I’d like to share a letter I wrote to her a while back. I wrote this in November of 2010 when we discovered Mom was terminally ill. It was my heart then and it is my heart now. I celebrate the life she lead and am so thankful for her time here with us.
I love you. I don’t know how this is going to come out, or how long it will be, but I trust that it will be good. I have so many thoughts, I cant possibly write them down fast enough, but I will try.
You are my Mom. Nobody can ever take your place or love me like you have. Certainly you were appointed by God to hold this position. You are a great Mom. And even when you are gone, your presence and impact will be felt daily. You will be missed deeply because you loved with such great depth. That time has not yet come, so I am writing this to tell you how much you mean to me, how much of an impact you have had on me, just to tell you everything. So here it goes.
You carried me for 9 months. I know you and dad were glad to have a boy. (I have seen the pictures, lots of smiles). Thank you for caring for me even before I was born. I was born healthy on August 1st and I imagine you were the first person to really hold me. I obviously don’t remember it but I have seen the photos. You and dad were so happy. I am glad and blessed to have great and loving parents. Thank you for that. So I was born, but even before then, our relationship was set. Mother and son, is any bond stronger? Maybe, but I haven’t felt it yet. I mean, your blood flows through me, how cool is that? As I said, I was born and the next few years went by smoothly (as far as I know). But in those years you still cared for me. I was your only son and you and dad had to change my diapers, put me to bed, heal my wounds, pick me up when I fell down and all of the other things parents do. You were always there. I said my first words, learned how to walk. At times, I was a pain, but your love never ceased. I’ve seen the photos and I know I was your little boy. I cherish that knowledge.
We moved to Brunswick and this is when I started to have some memories of life and our time together. BOATS!!! I would always say that when we crossed that one bridge. It makes me smile just writing this. And I was at small strides with all of my girlfriends and my picky eating habits. And we lived in oak grove at 4195 Harbor Point Drive. That was a good house. I remember stepping on a frog outside and I was so upset about that. I was a sensitive and caring boy. I still am. I got those traits from you.
Moving forward we went on to Tallahassee. So many memories. You and dad sacrificed a lot for us. You worked at Gilchrist and were able to be home in my developmental years. I didn’t realize the value of that at the time, but now I see it. It was nice having you around. Especially when I got poison ivy that one time, what a terrible experience!!! All of those Saturdays we spent in the yard and on the golf course. You and dad both have a great work ethic and you both showed us how to work hard. I cherish those times now. I miss them. Most importantly, during this time, we were active in the church. You and dad were engaged in the church and taught us a lot. Eventually I accepted Christ, which was good. I want to make this point emphatically- You and dad were a great success as parents because your example brought both of your children to Christ. And for that, I thank you. That changes everything for me. You always protected me. This sometimes led to a conflict with dad, but that’s okay. It happens. We all learned a lot through all of that.
Moving forward, I became an adolescent and teen. I am sure I gave you attitude many times and I apologize for that. You were always quick to forgive. We never had tension for long. During this time we had numerous great talks. They usually happened on long walks. That habit has stuck with me, I still love walks. Our walks were the best. We always meshed so well. We certainly think a lot alike. Very similar in many ways. In a strange way, you are my mother but also a great friend.
Then high school started and I was growing into a young man. Your girl had left for college. This time must have been tough because the family was seemingly moving apart. But like always, you held us together. The glue and mortar of this family that kept us together. You were there for everything. My successes and failures and struggles. Always available and willing to listen. Those years really flew by. They were great and I will never forget them. The last two years were particularly fun because it was just me and you. That’s not to say that it was fun without dad, but those years were unique and incredibly valuable to me.
The first time you got cancer that was tough. But again, it was me and you. I was there through it all. I don’t know why God made it that way, but maybe one day I will. Time went on and I continued to grow and mature. We moved to Gainesville and I was a college boy. You and dad let me know often how you were proud of me. That meant a lot. Thank you for that. There was conflict, but you were always there, at the center, to resolve it.
Then I moved out on my own. And I know this time was tough. Just watching your son grow. Not long ago I could rest in the palm of your hand, now my palms were as big as your hands. Time flies. Your cancer returned and it was tough. Your strength amazes me.
So here we are now, in the midst of a great trial and you have endured so much pain. I hope and pray that it stops soon. I just don’t want you to suffer. But I cant see my life without you, you were always there. I always assumed you would be there. For everything. It hurts to think about my future without you in it. We just have to accept the fact that you may not be there. I have been upset and angry. Why you? You are the sweetest woman in the world. (Job 38 answers that)
As I think about it, I know that you will be there. As I said, your blood runs through me. The things you taught me will live on. I hope to love like you do My children will know about you, I promise
I cant help but reflect and ponder the love story that is responsible for my existence. That of course is the story of Steve Amos and Bev Jordan. Dad said he knew exactly the moment he realized he was going to marry you. Winston Churchill once said that a family begins when a boy falls in love with a girl. So, our family began at that moment.
I just cant fathom how dad feels now. His best friend, life, battle buddy in this world, is now leaving him. I know it is taking a tremendous toll on him. I will do my best to take care of him in your absence.
Then there is Chelsea. Your first born. She was a cute little girl for sure. I know she was difficult at times, but I believe she is on the right path. I know you are worried about her. I trust that she will make wise decisions. She has matured in many ways. Besides, Dad and I will keep her focused.
You will leave behind quite a legacy. A legacy of love and strength. Everyone who knows you acknowledges your strength. It is truly remarkable. You are a loving mother, wife, daughter, friend and person.
Moving forward it will be tough. But as Christians, we must have joy at all times. (Philippians 4:4)
And we know you will be in the presence of the Lord. You will be home. (Revelation 21:4)
I cant even fathom what it will be like.
That’s all I guess. I know I will see you again. For me it wont be goodbye, just see you later.